Excerpt from "A Different Life"

Related: A Different Life

by Quinn Bradlee
Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Socially, I know I have a hard time reading cues. So when I go out, I study people. How they walk, how they act around other people. I observe everything, so I can learn how to be as normal as possible.

This has always been a racist country, though I hope that will change now that Obama will be president. Sometimes, if you're black and you go into a white church, or a room that's predominantly white, everybody's going to stare at you. That's what it feels like to be me sometimes. Even though you can't really point your finger at it, you just feel it.

If I go out with friends, with people who know me, other people will have less of a chance to figure it out. It's sort of like how wolves travel in packs.

I'm a lone wolf. And that's what I am, most of the time. I'm always trying to find a pack to be with. Sometimes I want to be more like a hawk. Hawks are different from any other birds, and I think other birds might be jealous of the hawk, because it's fierce and it can survive on its own. But at the same time, a hawk can't fit in with any other bird. I think there are connections between people and Mother Nature.

It was hard for me sometimes when I was a kid, but there were only a few people who ever looked at me like I was from Mars. There is still-and I think there always will be-a tiny, tiny little prick of fear when I'm asking a question. I don't think that'll ever go away. But I'll be able to practice at it. Before I order something at a restaurant, I always practice saying the order in my head. It's just something that I automatically do, so I don't screw up.

In the end for me it comes down to reading cues, and wondering what's normal and what's not. It's kind of like a box you can never think your way out of. So I just have to trust things more, and maybe relax a little.