The Caregiver's Corner: "Taking a Break"
by Merely Me
Monday, February 22, 2010
Quinn's Guide to Friendship, Dating and Self-Confidence
The best advice I have ever received about parenting my son who has learning disabilities and autism is to take good care of myself so that I can take good care of him. It is so easy to be neglectful of yourself when you are the caretaker of a child who has special needs. In an effort to always meet your child's needs there may be little time left over to get your own needs met. I am here to tell you to take that time. It is not being selfish, it is called survival. Parenting is a lifelong venture. You will need to keep your physical and emotional stamina in order to stay in the ring.
It was only when I experienced a severe episode of depression that I finally did listen to this advice. In the years following my son's diagnosis with autism I was so desperate to help him that I basically ate, drank, and breathed autism. My days and evenings were consumed with "saving" my son. During this process I became physically and emotionally weary. I wasn't eating right. I wasn't sleeping well. I was sinking more and more into a depressive well. In my efforts to save my son, I was drowning. Who would be there to save me? I had to do something to help us both.
A change in mind set turned things around for me. Over time I came to the realization that my son was not in need of saving. He was in need of acceptance. It has taken many years to fully embrace and understand the full meaning of this word. We say it all the time with regard to our children but what does it really mean? For me acceptance means to drop all judgment not only of our child's disability or condition but also of our own imperfections as a parent. Autism, for example, is neither good nor bad. It just is. My son is wired up differently than some children. And this is okay. He doesn't have to be some poster child for normalcy for me to love him. After all, who is "normal" among us? It has become my belief that everyone on the planet is on some sort of emotional, biological, physical, and cognitive spectrum. We are all data points along some never ending line of humanity. We are not all alike and isn't it wonderful because what a dull existence this would be if we were all clones of one another.
My acceptance of my son's autism also extended towards accepting myself. I am not superwoman. I cannot do it all or be it all. Although every time I tell someone I am the parent to a child who has autism, I am given the clichéd praise of, "You must be so patient." I retort with, "I am anything but." I was dreadfully impatient waiting for events such as when my son was fully toilet trained or for the time when he would call for me by name (both happened after he was five). I have been so angry and frustrated over what my son has to go through, that on some days you might find me sitting on the floor of my shower stall as I cry or scream into the streaming water. I have pointed a wicked finger towards God for making things so difficult for my son. Yet there are so many other moments when my son will say a new word, make a new connection, or give a token of his affection and I will rejoice that I am allowed to witness these daily gifts.
Learning Disability Resources, Tips and Tools