The Art of Letting Go: Teaching your Learning Disabled Child to Become More Independent
by Merely Me
Monday, January 11, 2010
Quinn's Guide to Friendship, Dating and Self-Confidence
Maybe it was simply my hormones, but I was watching a scene from the TV show, Desperate Housewives when I began to sob. One of my favorite characters on this show is named Lynette. Lynette is a parent of multiple children, including twins, who appear to have ADHD. In recent episodes she is pregnant again with another set of twins. Something happens with one of the twins during her pregnancy and there is a fear that this twin will be challenged in some way. They switch scenes to Lynette imagining what life would be like to have a child with special needs.
We see Lynette with a crying toddler on her living room floor. An occupational therapist stands by to coach her how to stretch his legs. The child seems to have some form of cerebral palsy. Lynette, looking tired and emotionally strained, tells the therapist that she doesn't know if she has it in her to do this. She has a moment of not knowing if she can go on with this. But she steadies herself and dives in, doing what she needs to do to help her son.
The scene changes once again and her boy is about eight or nine. He has braces to help him walk. Her son is sitting at the kitchen table and demands a sandwich. Lynette tells him that she is tired and busy and maybe he could try to make it himself. Her son gives her guilt saying how tired he is and how the mother of his friend in a wheelchair always makes his friend food any time he wishes. Of course this makes Lynette feel angry and guilty at the same time. But she doesn't give in. She tells her son that if he wants a sandwich he is going to have to make it himself because (and here is the part which tore at my gut): "I won't always be here to make you a sandwich."
Lynette pauses after her demand and waits. Her son slowly rises up and gets the items to make a sandwich. She can't even bear to look. But in the end he does it. And I can tell you that although this was just a TV show, I let out a heavy sigh of relief right along with her.
Something about that scene got to me so much that even in retelling it, I am tearing up. I think for anyone who has a child with learning disabilities or special needs, there is always that fear about the future. How will my son or daughter cope when I am not around? This is a fear of any parent with a child, special needs or not. But when you have a child who needs so much, this fear rises to the front row and center.
It is emotionally hard to let go and allow your child to do things for themselves especially when you know that there may be a good chance that they will struggle or even fail at times. But this is part of life, to learn how to get up again after a fall. Resilience can't be overtly taught. It must come from the experience of making mistakes.
It is so easy to give in to convenience and your child's demands to do everything for them, but this doesn't help them in the end. It only prolongs their dependence and frailty. There are simply times when you have to take a chance and allow them some freedom and autonomy.
Learning Disability Resources, Tips and Tools