The Art of Letting Go: Teaching your Learning Disabled Child to Become More Independent

My daughter Amber is now 24 years old, but the predominant thought I have goes back to when she was seven years old and I was told that she would not learn beyond a 7-10 year old level. From that moment on my goal in teaching Amber was that she try everything put in front of her in school, no excuses. It may take her longer to do it and we may have to try other ways to get things done, but no excuses. And some thought she had many reasons not to try and not to achieve, but she has done so much more than anyone ever expected when she was seven years old.  It would have been so much easier at times to do for her instead, but what would she have gained from that?  And when we began thinking about her living away from me my foremost thought was "what will she do if something happens to me?". I feel there can be nothing worse for an adult child with developmental disabilities to lose the person they rely on and have to be thrown into a new environment.  I remember watching an episode of ER years ago and there was an young woman who had suddenly lost her brother who was caregiver. Not only did she lose brother, she lost her security.  What does that do to them?  I also watched the episode of Desperate Housewives, and I remembered when my daughter stood up before an audience not too long ago.  She had attended a conference in Detroit put on by the International Conference on Self Determination.  She had to give a speech to her peers and the staff of her county ARC on how it went.  The president of the county ARC told me later he was very impressed with her speech and verbal skills.  Not long after that she voted chairman of her county RICC, which is a county based consumer advisory council, and she was 23 at the time. She has a bright future ahead of her in working with consumer councils to improve services for herself and her peers.  The most important thing we can teach our children is self esteem and independence, for it is what will determine their futures long after we are gone..

I loved seeing my children do things for themselves, from tying their shoes to driving a car. One, I could do faster and better for them, the other I could not do for them,  and there are so many examples of each in our lives. They would have to do them all, if they could learn, society and our own mortality demand it.

I can't imagine, truly I cannot, the angst, worry and fears you face about Max and the far future which is tomorrow. Though I learn more each time you write and I take joy in each triumph you mention, in Max himself. There is a time for letting go as much as possible, when the child themselves may insist upon it. None of us have much time to teach and the worry is compounded unbelievably so when you don't know if you can, or when you know you cannot.

They may not know the extent of it, but children bring such joy when we hear them say, I can do it myself and we see them succeed.