Depression and Parenting Children with Special Needs

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by Merely Me
Monday, November 09, 2009

When my son was diagnosed with autism I immediately took action and went into supermom mode.  I scheduled teachers, therapists and volunteers to come to our home.  I researched all the latest therapeutic and teaching methods from books, journals, and on-line literature.  I joined the Autism Society and the ARC.  I met other parents of special needs children in playgrounds and parks and invited them to my home.  I joined more than several on-line support groups for parents of children who had delays in language and communication skills, learning disabilities, or autism.  My days and nights gradually became consumed with my son's special needs.

I thought I was doing so well at coping with all this.  I thought I had it all under control.  I was wrong.

During this manic process I became depressed.  The unfortunate thing was I didn't know it.  I did not recognize the signs in myself.  I was too busy to stop and look into a mirror to see what I had become.  In these early years of helping my son I forgot about myself.  I stopped wearing make-up.  I stopped getting haircuts.  I didn't listen to music or go see movies.  My friends were all now other parents of children who had special needs.  I stopped buying new things for myself including new clothes.  I wore the same baggy sweats week after week.  It was normal for me to wake up many times during the night and when I did sleep it wasn't good sleep.  I woke up tired and weary.  And I began to put on weight as I would eat unconsciously throughout the day in a response to stress.

One of the moments of recognition that I was depressed came when a friend of mine encouraged me to join a gym and to get out of the house.  I was so persistent in my resistance to such an idea.  How could I "waste time" at a gym when my son had autism?  My friend gently asked me when was the last time I did something which was not for my kids.  I stared blankly as I could not remember the last time I did something just for me.  I felt too guilty.  My friend gave me the best advice one could receive in such a situation.  She asked me, "You won't be able to keep taking care of your kids if you don't take care of you first."  As much as I did not want to admit it, I knew she was right.  I could not keep going like this.  There had to be a better way.

I did end up joining that gym and going at least once a week with my friend.  I began to eat healthy and take the weight off.  We got respite for my son so that my husband and I could go out alone to eat at a restaurant which did not serve happy meals or see a movie in an actual theater.  I bought a bike for myself so I could take breaks and go for bike rides.  I painted my nails and went to coffee shops with friends.  There was this whole world out there I had been choosing to miss out on because I was fearful to be "selfish."  I can tell you that it is not selfishness but self preservation and mental wellness.  There are times when you need a break so that you can re-energize.  Doing things you enjoy gives you the emotional stamina to keep going day to day.  Your kids don't want to see you burned out and depressed. They want you to be happy.